This one belongs in the "you can find inspiration anywhere" category.
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XXXIX. Of Hamsters and Rangers
"If a hamster were popcorn, that's what it would sound like."
--- The Honorable Lady Stephanie of Nethyrwode, The Book of Joel
One of the major drawbacks of this form was a woeful lack of concentration, mused Boo, scratching his left ear with his foreleg. It was hard to maintain a train of thought for much more than a minute; the underlying rodent brain kept getting distracted. The other problem was the difficulty in redirecting its essentially herbivorous digestive system to efficiently process the raw meat he craved. After a few years of tinkering, he'd managed to reach a certain amount of compromise--- one meal for him to two meals for the rodent. It was a blessing unlooked-for that Patricia had turned out to be an exquisite chef. How right he had been to encourage his children to pursue whatever branch of knowledge they wished!
Ahhh, good, his familiar was waking at last. He'd heard Patricia and that Watcher pass Minsc's room a full quarter of an hour ago, and he didn't want them to get out of his surveillance range today. It was bad enough that he'd missed the opportunity of studying Cor Delryn once more. He'd often wondered what had chanced to that man after his unfortunate involvement on the periphery of the last attempt to destroy The Ruby Rhodelia. From what little he had been able to hear yesterday, the aftermath of that affair had been regrettable. Perhaps there might be a surreptitious means of making restitution to the family through the son, at least, if not the father. If the boy would stop being fatheaded, that is.
Minsc was a restless sleeper, and the bed linens trailed half onto the floor. For a hamster, the sheets provided a highway, and Boo scurried up them until he could stand on the ranger's chest, looking up at his chin. He squeaked impatiently, and when Minsc tried to groan and roll over, Boo reached out to lash him with his mind. Get up, Minsc! We need to go with Tisha and Omen today. He added tantalizingly, There's probably breakfast laid already! Marmalade and honey and butter and muffins and LOTS of bacon….
The ranger let out a long sigh. "Oh, all right, Boo," he rumbled, his breath ruffling the hamster's fur, "if you say we should eat now, I will rise. You did say there would be bacon, right?" he added hopefully.
Yes, can you not smell it even up here?
"Ah, yes, Boo, now I catch the scent! We shall track the rashers to their source and fall upon them like ravening wolves!"
Boo sighed. Minsc was entirely too cheerful in the mornings, and it made him create even more bizarre similes and metaphors than usual. Still, it wasn't the ranger's fault, after all; the blame for that rested entirely upon his own furry shoulders. Let's go, then, he said, scrambling into his place of honor within the velvet pouch around Minsc's neck.
Neither Nalia nor Jan were down yet, Boo noted as he and his companion entered the breakfast room. Patricia and Anomen were seated together at one end of the long table, their debris-filled plates testifying to their hearty appetites. No wonder the monk was hungry; Boo didn't remember her eating any supper last night. He approved heartily of her forcing Omen to eat. As his mother had said, one never knew what the rest of the day might bring, so it was best to face it with a whole sheep under one's belt. Now he must remind Minsc to return to the Coronet for fresh clothes; the Rashemite was becoming offensive to his delicate olfactory sense after the heat of the day, and the hamster saw no reason to put up with it when there was a perfectly good bath awaiting the man at the inn.
Patricia proffered Boo a corner of toast, which he accepted graciously. The child was conscientious about remembering the needs of others, sometimes to the neglect of her own. But why it seemed to be this Helm-follower that awoke her latent beauty to full blossom, Boo could not fathom. Even that new sword didn't completely account for the alteration. Her mother's attraction to Gorion had made much more sense. But even yet the child had no idea how pretty she was; her relatives had gone so far as to cast minor spells on her to tame it a bit, fearing that she might be recognized if she were too beautiful. Clearly, the last set had begun to wear off. It was truly a pity that those gnolls had diverted his familiar's attention before he could reach Gorion with the warning that both children were now at risk, or this situation might have been avoided.
Tsk! That silly hamster mind was interfering again, dragging his thoughts off-course. Right now, he wanted to get Minsc bathed, but still be able to supervise these two. He prodded his familiar again. Minsc, you must go to the Copper Coronet. I want some hamster treats! He hoped he'd added just enough whine to his thoughts.
Now, Boo? But Tisha wants me to go with her and Helm-man! Can't you wait? I will buy you more sunflower seeds, the ranger wheedled.
NO! I want hamster treats now! Boo felt unhappy about his mild deception, but he really couldn't face another day riding that close to Minsc's armpits unless at least the first layer of stench was removed. When the human began to add leather odor on top of his own, he began to smell entirely too much like dinner for comfort, and in this city there was no chance of sneaking off for a little quiet hunting while everyone else slept. Ahh, good, the ranger was capitulating.
"Tisha, I need to go to the Copper Coronet. Boo is getting squirrelly for hamster treats!"
The monk looked at Minsc. "All right, but I really wanted you to come with us, as well as Jan and Nalia. We may need to spread out across the city to track down leads about Moira's death." She thought for a moment. "You could meet us at the temple of Helm on the Bridge; Anomen needs to go there today anyway."
This suggestion was met with an instant protest from the Watcher. "Nay, my lady, I now wish to go to the main temple near the Order's headquarters. I would like to see if I can meet with High Watcher Oisig, my old mentor. Also, I must visit the Order to make certain alterations to my legal affairs in the records. Your wise counsel has brought me to see that we should proceed carefully. It is still quite early; why do we not join Minsc? I need to collect a few things for my offering from Bernard anyway. By the time we return across the Bridge, the Inspector should have arrived at his post, and we may interrogate him then. After that, we can come back here; surely Jan and Nalia will have awakened by then."
Boo twitched his whiskers with relief as this amendment was promptly accepted. As soon as Patricia had written a note for Nalia, they all walked to the slums. For a human city, Athkatla had changed little in thirty years; the major thoroughfares were much as he remembered them from his single previous visit. Shopkeepers were busy unshuttering their shops, housewives swept their stoops, and workingmen hurried by with their dinner pails. The smell of a thousand breakfasts filled the air, the strong scents of finnan haddie and sausage mixing with the mealy smell of porridge and the cinnamon-yeasty odor of sweet rolls. As they crossed the Bridge, they caught a glimpse of the sun, just barely all the way up above the horizon. It would be another hour or two before it would be visible above the houses on either side of the estuary.
Hendak was eating his own breakfast when they arrived; he said Bernard wouldn't be down for another two hours, but he himself would fetch Anomen's gems from the safe once he'd finished his meal. The companions scattered to their own rooms, and Boo was forced to consume hamster treats he really didn't want. At least as long as he ate, he could ignore the sight of Minsc scrubbing himself down with a washcloth and cold water from the ewer. When he'd nibbled enough for politeness, the hamster scrunched himself down completely inside the velvet pouch, and drifted off for a short nap. Riding herd on this bunch had certainly cut into his sleeping time.
He awoke a while later to the muffled sound of voices and the peculiar swaying sensation that meant Minsc was walking downstairs. The hamster poked his head over the edge of his cloth nest and froze in horror. By Chronepsis' brass harp, not NOW! What's he doing here? Following me? Has he scented the pursuit already?
Instinctively, he had reached out to Minsc with his mind, and stopped himself short. No, that would be foolhardy, the quarry might sense the communication with his familiar, and he was in no shape to do battle now. On another level, he was aware of being amused by his own pun, while the main resources of his mind were occupied with formulating a plan to escape undetected.
In nanoseconds, he was buried deep within the pouch, racking his millions of neurons for a plan. He was so intent on his thoughts that he didn't realize that the tiny rodent brain he was sharing had panicked completely, with unexpected results. Dampered and garbled by the cloth, he suddenly heard more voices surrounding him. Oh, Io's eyebrows! Now what?
"Minsc, what's wrong with Boo?" Patricia asked.
"Eh?" replied Minsc.
"Look, that pouch is practically flinging itself off your neck, he's wriggling so hard!" She peered at it, not needing to bend since Minsc's height placed the bag nearly at her eye level. "And… and he's making a weird noise, kind of like a kettle full of kernels of popcorn exploding…" she looked up at Minsc, her voice rising. "Get him upstairs, now! I think he's going to be sick in there!"
"Come on, Anomen," Boo heard. "We have to save the hamster! No, I don't care that you aren't skilled in animal husbandry, this is Boo, for crying out loud! How hard can it be to heal him?"
There was another spate of joggling, and he found himself being gently slipped out of the pouch by Patricia's small hands. She wrinkled her nose at him, and Boo didn't know why until he got a whiff of himself. Oh. How embarrassing. He'd always made it a point to prevent the donor brain from allowing nature to take its course while within the bag; normally he just asked Minsc to stop.
"Well, I guess he just really had to go," she said finally. "He seems to be fine now, anyway."
Minsc held up a meaty finger and waved it at his little friend. "Next time don't eat so fast, Boo! Too many hamster treats have made you ill!"
Boo was relieved. It had worked out well without him needing to exert any effort at all. He was positive Lord Jierdan Firkraag had not spotted him. Now, to maneuver the others into finding out where Firkraag held court nowadays….
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In case you hadn't noticed, things are taking a rather bizarre turn. But if you think this is weird, just check out Boo's actual stats in Infinity Explorer!
