Hello Cthulhu #7

Listening to the Guard with the shifty eyes, and a lean and furtive look, they found out that "arse bugger" Roenall dealt in pirate merchandise, and smuggled gemstones out of Amnish mines. Nalia giggled with a red face at finding out Isea's very vulgar nickname in the Amnish Guards.

They then quickly ran over to the docks.

Nalia: Puffff, puff...wow, we sure run everywhere.

Jaheira: Wouldn't it be nice if no matter how long it takes, once we find out about a situation or lead on a quest we are on, we could take our time getting there, so no matter how long we took, we are always on time?

Yoshimo: Not likely in our life time, I fear, my friends.

They spotted the pirate Barg who was tipping and swaying as he was drinking up his pay from his last voyage. Hellocthul saw a table filled with merchandise nearby, including a scroll case that they needed badly. She walked over, and bought the scroll case from the friendly halfling street merchant, and in an evil impulse, a stuffed parrot and a eyepatch.

Hellocthul: Nalia, here, tie this parrot on my shoulder...and here we go!!! (Nalia began to giggle, and when she desperately tried to stop giggling, she got the hiccups. This earned her a dirty look from Jaheira)

Wearing the eye patch, Hellocthul walked over to Barg the pirate...

Hellocthul: Avast, ye scurvy mate, hows be ye berth be, in these here landlubber town???

Barg: Ahoy and greetings, pretty lassie! I detects a hinz of the sea with ye, and from yer bird, I thinks I can guess yer profeshon, ye be a pirate likes me!

Hellocthul: Aye, me laddie. Now I been mighty dry workwise these many months, I be lookings fer a spot on a ship, ye knows anyone who is hiring a scurvy knave likes me? Good with a blade?

Barg: Why, me lass, my employer be "arse bugger" or Isea Roenall...He be having berths right now, and if ye comes with me, ye can be on board by third bell.

Hellocthul: Well, there is one thing, my last captain got hisself thrown into the brig for 20 years because, Tymora strike me blind, he left the ships books with his doxy...your employer is smarter than that, I asks ye?

Nalia: Psssst...Jaheira, he isn't really going to fall for that, is he???

Jaheira: Child, can you smell that? That thick and sweet odor? This Barg has been drinking Turnip Grog, and just one of those things is enough to impair you mentally.

Barg: Why, my employer keeps all his books with a guard, Earl, who is drinking up a tot before he hits the road at the Sea's Bounty. Ye know, lassie, yer parrot looks mighty slooooshed, likes me, he hardlish moves at all...I thinksh yer parrot croaked, lasshie. (Barg suddenly sounds sober) Yer Parrot be dead, my fine lass...say, what kinds of a pirate has a dead parrot on their shoulder anyway?

Hellocthul: No its not, its just, erm, resting, yeah, that's right, its resting...

Hellocthul mutters "Thanks" and whacks him with the hilt of her sword, and yanking the parrot and eyepatch off, they rush over to the sea's bounty and locate Earl. (Nalia still giggling and hiccuping uncontrollably) He resists, until Jaheira kicks him in a sensative area, and grab the books. Following the lead of the Guard who met them at the city gates, they then break into the estate of Isea Roenall, and get his gem smuggling books. His superior, Cor Axehand, asked them to come back tomorrow to see the judgement of the Guard Tribuneral.

Nalia: How on Toril did you pull that off? Have you done some sailing? Did you ever, urm....do some pirating? (Nalia's eyes are shining with mirth, and wonder)

Hellocthul: Actually I got the way of speaking from an amateur theatrical we did in Candlekeep one winter, Pirates of Illmather...I got to play the swashbuckling pirate, and Immy got the part of Mabel.

As the party relaxes in a comfortable sitting room at the Mithrest Inn, Hellocthul tells Nalia and Yoshimo about Hello Cthulhu. They both have been curious, and now it was time to scratch that itch...

Hellocthul: This all happened about 5 years ago...(the scene fades, a pleasant tune starts to play, and the perspective changes over to candlekeep, 5 years ago)

Nalia: oooooo....nice fade into memories! Pretty colors, too...

Hellocthul: Glad you like it, hon.

Count Turnipsome: So, my fine young magey friends, as you can see, the Nether Scroll is almost the perfect joke scroll. It looks like a scroll of Identify, however when used by a mage, the Nether Scroll will fire off a joke, at random, always funny and embarressing, and will dispell itself after 10 days. So no harm done...now, young Hellocthul and Imoen, are you sure I can't interest you in some fine Janssen Turnip Bombs? Wonderful things, turnip bombs. Useful for almost anything. That reminds me of my aunt Gladys Janssen, she lived in the Haven Valley in Tethyr, and she used to call her husband and sons home to dinner using a Turnip Bomb...You see, her turnip fields were in the next valley over, so she would set off a turnip bomb when the winds were right, and her boys would smell the turnip gas, and run home to supper. Unfortunately there was that one time she accidentally set off her turnip bomb when the tax man came around, and her family got slapped with a "improper use of hazardous munitions" fine. Luckily a handy griffin was around when the tax man left, and like all griffons, they love the taste of turnips, and poor mr. tax man smelled so appetizing...sadly, my dears, the story has a sad ending, despite the demise of the tax man...you see, the tax man for Haven valley at the time was the famous dwarven berserker, "Gums McGonagall" who had a love of bar fights, so before the age of 20 he had lost all his teeth, so when he got into a battle rage, he would gum his enemies...so the poor griffon that ate the tax man, he ended up with gum marks all over its poor body, and in the end he ended up choking to death on Gum's beard...He died of the hair of the dwarf that gummed him...

Hellocthul and Imoen had an expression on their faces that you would normally only see in someone who had been run over with a cart...

Imoen: So, urm, Count, what kind of jokes will the nether scroll play on someone?

Count Turnipsome: Well, it might change the hair color, cause pimples, or body odor, or they could grow rabbit ears, rutabagas might sprout from their forehead...just about anything, lassie, but it all wears away in 10 days.

Hellocthul: Great! Give me one, please.

Imoen: Me too!

The two giggling kids spent their allowance on the scrolls, and the young travelling gnome salesman, Count Turnipsome, left Candlekeep.

Hellocthul: I dare you!

Immy: I double dare you with cherry on top!

Hellocthul: I double dare you infinity!

So the two kids managed to convince themselves into casting the scrolls they had bought together on each other at the same time. The kids had been all excited about the Nether Scrolls, the hottest new product of the Janssen line, since they had heard their school mates recount some truely funny and interesting stories about playing with those wonderful gag inventions.

POOF!!!

Hello Cthulhu: Chuuuuu...

Imoen: OH MY GODS!!!

Poor Gorion was not amused at all when Hello Cthulhu and a pink haired imoen showed up at his bedroom door at midnite. They soon figured out if Hello Cthulhu ate a cookie, she would return to normal. Imoen was actually pleased at her hair, since pink was her favorite color. After ten days, however, immy's hair was still pink...

Immy: Oh my gosh, my hair is still pink!!! Its suppose to wear off in 10 days!!!

Gorion: I wish you children had at least talked to me before getting yourself into trouble. Both of you are mages, Hellocthul trained as a Kensai before she found out she was a sorceror, and imoen is a wildmage. In another words, your magical abilities are "different" from everyone else, so a joke spell like the Nether Scroll could have a very unusual effect when cast on yourselves. I am sorry children. Hehehehheheh....

Hellocthul and Imoen: DADDY!!!

They got used to it over time, and a few days later they found out some more things about Hellocthul's powers, when Immy and Hellocthul accompanied Gorion to the town 10 miles away, to help him shop for some spices the kitchen needed.

They were confronted by a band of ruffians when they got lost looking for some saffron.

Bandit: Gives us all yer gold and valuables, and we will let you leave...after I kiss this little girlie...(the bandit paws imoen)

Hellocthul: YOU FILTHY BASTARD!!! You leave her alone....Chuuuuu!!!!

Hello Cthulhu: Nyarlethotep-tep-tappy-tap-tep-tap-tappy-tap!

Nyarlethotep, the Tapdancer in the Dark appeared...wearing a spiffy tailcoat number with a shiny top hat and cane...

Nyarlethotep: Now comes the reasoning,
Why I am heeerrreee!!!
To make sure you see the seasoning,
In the hands of these kids who know no fear!!!

You try to get a little shopping done,
But you ugly bandits just wanna ruin their day,
So I am just going to have a little ffuuuuunnnnnn!!!
And make sure you all paaaayyy!!

And the Tapdancer in the Dark starts tap dancing, and the bandits, under some awful compulsion, are forced to tapdance to the demon's beat...soon, their legs are bleeding, and they are screaming to STOP!!!!

Then, after one final dizzying number, Nyarlethotep trips and falls over a barrel, swearing...the bandits take the opportunity to run away.

Imoen: Well, the demon has only one single, three lobed burning eye...no depth perception.

Fade back to Athlanka.

The party meeting breaks up, and the girls go back to the room they share.

Nalia: Sweetie, there is a funny story about the Nether Scrolls that I heard from my father.

Hellocthul stops massaging her back..."A funny story? Hon, the whole history of the Nether Scrolls are one big joke."

Nalia: Hey, no backrub, no story...(Hellocthul continues rubbing Nalia's back) well, the story goes that a really devious person in the council of 6 started a sting operation...this person knew that Thayan spies are in Amn looking for powerful magical items, so this person planted the story that the Nether Scrolls are actually artifact level magic scrolls, and he even convinced the shadow thieves to switch a powerful magical artifact belonging to a local lich in the graveyards with a nether scroll...can't you just imagine it??? A thayan mage will do anything for powerful magic items...and just imagine what happens to this poor spy if he decides to use the nether scroll for himself, thinking it will make him more powerful...POOF!!! He gets rabbit ears, or zuccini will grow from his nose, or funniest of all, he gets sex changed...and my father knows all this because when he was an adventurer, he travelled with Markham BlackBeard, who now runs the intelligence section of the Amnish Guard...

Jaheira: I know of at least one Thayan mage, to whom this will be poetic justice...too bad it wears off in 10 days...but child, won't the Thayan mages hear about the true nature of the nether scrolls just by talking to people? It is pretty common knowledge after all...

Nalia: OOOOO...right there, sweetie, oh my...oh my...that feels so good!!! You have such talented fingers...oh...urm...ah...Jaheira, thats the beauty of the whole scheme...Thayan mages are so stuck up, they don't ever talk to commoners, and even if they heard about it, they are so absorbed in the search for magic items they will dismiss it as lies...

Hellocthul: My turn for a backrub...ummmm....

jaheira: AAArrggg....(children...sigh...)

Hellocthul and Nalia giggle....

The next day, they go back to the government district to hear the verdict of the tribunal against Isea Roenall...